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A Daughter’s Perspective . . . Karen Hershberger
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When incontinence became a problem for my mother, she was still very aware, very self-assured, very obstinate, and very independent. She would not put up with anybody telling her she needed help or assistance in any way. She was handling everything perfectly well, she thought. She wasn’t, and I was drawn into her problems when the Assisted Living Supervisor in her ‘home’ called to tell me she was soiling herself and the carpeting and I needed to help out because they were not licensed to care for those who became incontinent. If she didn’t become more cooperative about wearing protective pads and her behaviors continued she would have to find another place to live. I loved where Mom was and I didn’t want her to have to leave. Like it or not I was drawn into working with the people in her Assisted Living Dwelling if she was to stay there. I tried to tell Mom that she would have to start ‘using something in her panties," as she was wetting herself. She got furious with me, told me I was crazy and didn’t know what I was talking about. She fought, she hit, she yelled, and yes, even cussed at me when I tried to apply the first diaper! I was at a loss at what to do. She refused to wear anything for protection. Then I networked with fellow Alzheimer’s Caregivers, who so helpfully gave me suggestions as to how to handle it mentally as well as to what products were out there. They told me what had worked for them, how to clean her, and most helpful, how to put them on her in the most discreet way. By changing her pads from behind her instead of in front of her, she had little idea of what was going on at all. My first approach was to provide her with protection that did not "feel" like a diaper. I got ‘padded panties’, which were adapted ladies panties with disposable liners in them. They had the look and feel of the panties she was already accustomed to wearing. When they proved less effective than I liked, I moved on and began using products I bought in the local drug stores. By then her dementia had slowly progressed along with her incontinence and she was even less aware of the ‘ workings’ going on behind her. I also found by changing her from behind her that both our sense of privacy was maintained. It was less embarrassing for both of us. We got through this crises with the help of kind friends, the wonderful home she was living in, networking with other caregivers, trying different options until I found the plan that worked best for me, and lots and lots of patience and love. I hope my experience will help others. Karen Hershberger. Editor's note: Karen is an example of how involved her role continued to be after her mother was placed in a nursing facility. Her presence was essential to her mother’s care, sense of herself and in maintaining their relationship. When her mother died she spoke of the opportunity Alzheimer’s gave them both, an opportunity for a relationship and closeness they might not have had, had it not been for Alzheimer’s Disease.
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