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Debi and the Well Meaning Friend.  

There were few times when Debi or I got away nights but this was one of them.   We both got sitters to stay with our people and we went to a friends dance performance and cast party.  During the evening one of Debi's friends approached me, knowing I was taking care of Tom and asked to solicit my help on Debi's behalf.  She stated that she was very worried about Debi and her 'unnatural' attachment to her mother.  She added the usual comments about Marjorie's inability to recognize Debi anymore and the years of care she faces.  She felt Debi was putting her life on hold needlessly.  She was sacrificing her potential for advancement on her job, as well as her chance to meet a suitable man, and all because of the demands of her mother's care.

I asked this person a hypothetical question.  

What if Debi was a single mother?  Her teenage son is injured in a car accident, leaving him facing years of rehabilitation which will eventually restore most of his functioning, but with no guarantees of complete recovery.  Debi has to cut back on her work hours thereby losing opportunities for advancement in her company.  Obviously, the time involved in his care keeps her from dating or seeking a suitable mate.  This commitment will take years before her son is independent again.  What would your attitude towards her and her commitment to her son be under that circumstance?

And to give this person credit, she paused and stated... "My reaction would be very different wouldn't it."  She then asked: What can I do to help Debi.  I launched into my list.

  • encourage her

  • tell her you admire her

  • cook extra, put it in freezer bags and send it over to save her cooking a meal once in a while

  • volunteer to spend an hour or two once in a while so she can go out

She doesn't need you to change diapers or feed her mother.  What she needs is emotional support in her choices in her mother's care.  You aren't living Debi's experience and you have no right to judge it.  Her motives are deeply personal and need to be accepted on face value if you are her friend.

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