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Debi and the Restaurant |
Debi's mom, Marjorie, was in the late mid-stage of Alzheimer's. She could still walk, her speech was severely compromised but she could still participate in simple questions with yes and no answers. Debi always made sure her mother was well groomed. Debi was still able to take Marjorie to restaurants although she now had to cut her food for her and feed her. It was Marjorie's birthday and Debi had taken her to brunch in Boulder.
Debi was juggling two plates of food in the buffet line, urging Marjorie to pick what he wanted while giving her simple carry tasks so that she could feel a part of the process. Getting the food and Marjorie back to their table was a bit convoluted and haphazard but they made it with a little help from the wait staff. They had barely begun to eat when a stranger, a woman approached their table.
She interrupted them by handing Debi a business card, which identified the woman as a local therapist. She introduced herself, asked if Marjorie had Alzheimer's and which nursing home was she in. When Debi told her Marjorie was still at home and she was taking care of her the woman/therapist launched into what can only be described as an attack. She accused Debi of being co-dependent, that adult children owe their parents nothing, and if she feels some level of guilt about Marjorie's care then Debi had been manipulated by her mother and she really needed to examine that.
Debi tried to protest, but given the place and the circumstances, which were beginning to agitate her mother, she simply took the card and thanked the woman for her concerns. As the woman left the table she added, I would be very happy to help you work through your attachment to your mother and aid you in making the right decision. Please feel free to call me (at an hourly rate no doubt). By now everyone around them was staring at them, and Marjorie who understood the only words she could understand, asked: "Are you putting me in a home?" Debi just started to cry she was so frustrated by the turn of events.
I can’t help but wonder if Mr. and Mrs. Christopher Reeve would have been subjected to this behavior had this person seen them in a restaurant, or my friends who’s son had Muscular Dystrophy. Probably not. My friend's son was 21, in a wheel chair, and the only part of his body he had control over was his index finger. He was on a respirator and he was in college. His professor told me at his funeral, the grade average in the classes he attended were significantly higher than those he was wasn’t in. Not only was he an inspiration to everyone who came near him, his parents were viewed in the same light. Mrs. Reeve is viewed that light.
What's sad is that Debi wasn't seen as an inspiration at all, she was seen as flawed, and Marjorie was seen as dead before her time. Debi is still reeling from the stigma that was attached to her and her mother. Her mother has been dead for over 5 years.
We have to change our attitudes about this disease and acknowledge how those attitudes affect those of us actually living the Alzheimer's experience.